It’s that time again kids. Uni is back. I can hear the collective ahhhhhrrrrrggggghhhhhhhblahblahblah coming through loud and clear from in front of your computer screens. We are well and truly into the semester one, and unsurprisingly, it only took me two half days of classes to realise that this semester isn’t going to be any more reverting than the last. It’s crazy how quick that happens! In the weeks leading up to week one, I often find my inner dialogue sounding something like this:


I’m just, like, so keen to start uni again! You know, I’m just really craving the routine of it; my eating/exercise/sleeping habits will all fall into place once I get back into it all. And honestly, I actually miss the mental stimulation; I need something to focus on.

 back to uni excited giph

Nek minut, it’s week two, and the lil voice inside my head sounds more along the lines of:


Fuck my life. Fuck my life. Fuck uni. Fuck lectures. Fuck tutes. My brain feels like mush. I have no friends. Fuck em all.

 fuck me giph

While the career minded, rational side of me acknowledges and accepts that completing tertiary studies is a crucial, if not obligatory, stepping stone on the way to being, wait for it, paid actual money for writing shit like this, the real me, who is a lazy son of a bitch, would like to mention the crappy nature of said stepping stone. Yes, there are undoubtedly many great things about being a university student, or as I like to call it, a professional bludger. You get to meet people from all walks of life, gain important knowledge and experience in your chosen field, and increase your alcohol tolerance to legendary status through the consumption of many ciders at the uni bar. However, even the most enthusiastic of estudiantes would have to agree; there are some parts of going to uni that just straight out can suck a big fat one. Here’s a little run down of just such things. It’s at this point I’d like to give a shout out to all the first years out there, as I know this time of your life, experiencing pretty much of the things that are about to be mentioned, is especially hard for you.


1. Lectures


Listen up, coz this is the part where I say exactly what everyone on the entire planet, university lecturers aside, is thinking. Lectures are bullshit. On second thought, I feel that it is entirely possible many professional university lecturers also share this belief. Don’t believe me? The proof exists in the rapidly decreased attendance numbers from Week One compared with Week Four. The only thing worse than weekly lectures is the first lecture of the semester itself. Every year, like a fool, you go along and take a seat in a big, overcrowded, and excessively hot lecture theatre, and enjoy an hour long nap through a brief outline of the course guide. To be frank, I could do both of those activities far more effectively from the comfort of my own bed.

sleepy cat

  1. Getting to know you games.


Yay! Just what I wanted to be doing in this tutorial that you’ve forced me to attend. As opposed to getting actual course work and assignments done, which is what we came here to do. As a journalism student, the getting to know you games I am most subjected to are of the interview style. Presumably, to start giving us hands on experience in the industry…lel. Then, lucky us, we get to introduce each other to the class, and everyone can pretend to be interested in Luke’s passion for V8 motoring journalism, or Kim’s (fuck, I mean Katie’s) Europe gap year.

cool story bro

  1. Where to sit?


There’s nothing like walking into a tute and having to decide where to park yo fine ass to make you feel like you’re in high school all over again. The only difference is, typically, it was me and my loser friends looking for a patch of grass collectively as a group, as opposed to me on my own. There are a few different kinds of people in your average University tutorial who you could possibly sit next to. There are the ones who are sitting by themselves in the farthest corner of the room, attentively on their phone or laptop. Firstly, if anyone is on their laptop in a tute, I’d like to suggest that they are most likely not doing uni work. It’s pretty much a proven fact that working on a laptop at uni makes you seem like a busy and connected professional individual. That’s why I do it! Now, if you’d like to just get through the tutorial without having to connect or interact at all, these would be the people to sit next to. Then there’s the group of already established friends. This is a tough one. Think Mean Girls…you probs can’t sit with them. Pretty much go for the people who are sitting by themselves, and are dressed most similarly to you. However, don’t take this decision lightly. Once you’ve chosen a seat, you almost always have to stick that seat out for the entire semester; which brings me to my next point…


  1. Group work


The bane of every uni student’s existence – group work. You know, when they group you with a bunch of randoms because, in the real world, you have to work with people you don’t know, or even like. I’m sure in the tutor’s mind, this seems like a really great way for everyone to get to know each other, and lesson the burden on each individual. In reality? The burden on each individual is dramatically increased due to the stress of a) trying to contact one another b) actually finding a time that suits everyone to meet up because, guess what, some people have a life outside of uni work (wut?) and c) ensuring that everyone pulls their weight. The only people who think group work is fab are those sneaky bludgers that somehow get away with doing nothing at all but still get to have the grade…assholes.

group work

  1. Exams


This is the part where I’d write a whole little rant about how shitty exams are, with all the late nights cramming, no social life, and self enforced sobriety for the months of June and November. Except I’m not going to, coz I wouldn’t know how that feels seeing as Journo students don’t have any exams! #yeaaaaaahhhboiiiii

suck it


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