HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU…ANYMORE: What not to say when your friend gets dumped.

Last week I had the great pleasure of being told by the guy who I was kind of “seeing” (he didn’t like to use labels…shocker!) that he wasn’t really interested in me anymore, and that he never wanted to see me again. It was short, honest and to the point. A bit on the brutal side, but hey, you’d rather die from one swift, cold, emotionless stab to the heart than be set on fire and left to slowly burn, right? One minute we were “hanging out” under his tiger print doona cover, talking about his footy games, his friends, what had happened in his day, which female celebrities he thought were hot (hmm, I’m sensing a bit of a pattern here…) and the next, he’s all of sudden just not that into me anymore. Being dumped sucks. And it doesn’t discriminate either. He don’t care whether you’ve just been fucking for a few weeks, or if you have a mortgage and a puppy together. Doesn’t matter if it was done face to face, or in my case, behind the protection of his iPhone via text message. Whether it was mutual or one sided, a long time coming, or if it hit you in the face like a well executed bitch slap, realizing that someone who once loved, or at the very least, liked you now doesn’t is soul destroying. And one of the worst things, in my opinion, is how one person can have the power to make you feel so shit about yourself!

 

So in light of recent events in my otherwise boring as fuck personal life, I’ve complied a short list of things you should never EVER say to a friend who has recently suffered a good old fashioned dumping. And if you realize whilst reading this that you have accidently and unknowingly given out one of these golden nuggets of advice before, don’t feel too bad…chances are your gal only stuck one or two pins in the voodoo doll she has of you hiding in that shoebox under her bed.

 

  1. You’ll get over it

Yeah, you’re right, I will get over it. One day I’ll look back on all of this and have a big old laff at how miserable and depressed I was. But for now, I’m kind of devastated, so it would be great if you could stop talking.

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  1. No one can make you feel bad unless you let them.

Woah, that’s really wise and all, but unfortunately I can’t just switch my emotions on and off like the lighter with which I will use to set his piece of shit car on fire. Also, I’d also like to point out that I never gave him permission to crush my heart into a thousand pieces. He just went ahead and did it anyway.

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  1. You’re way more fun when you’re single!

Fuck you. You were more fun before I punched you in the face. Oh wait, sorry, that’s what I’m about to do.

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  1. It could be worse.

Hmmm, yes, technically it could be worse. I could be you. Shit, did I just say that out loud?

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  1. Just wait, he’ll be begging to take you back in a few weeks.

HAHAHAHA good joke. But seriously, don’t go putting those tiny, all consuming little seeds of hope in my head. Coz in 3 weeks when I have heard shit all from him, those little seeds will have grown into thick, thorny vines and will have wrapped themselves tightly around my heart, and I’ll have to start this whole process of “getting over him” again.

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  1. I’m so jealous, I wish I was single!

Great! Then dump your boyfriend, you loved up bitch!

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  1. There are plenty more fish in the sea.

No. Just no.

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  1. Time heals everything.

Yes, indeed it does. Time will mend my broken heart. Just as it will the broken nose I’m about to give you.

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  1. I saw that coming!

Well cheers for the heads up, ya fucker!

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  1. Don’t worry. The right guy will come along!

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*All hilariously appropriate gifs are from http://giphy.com/

 

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