With the recent nuptials of Kimmy K and Kanye (Krap that’s a Kutla K’s..see what I did there?), otherwise known as hip hop and reality tv’s version of Will and Kate Middleton, or the couple with the world’s largest combined ego, having taken place just a few days ago in Florence, it got me thinking about the all the things Kim and I have in common.
A) Taste in men: To all of my friends who have to put up with my play by play commentary on today’s new tinder matches, it’s no secret I like my men sporty. And so does Kim, according to her little black book: NFL and Basketball players Reggie Bush, Miles Austin, and Kris Humpries just to name a few (yum, yum, and yu..oh wait, tosser.) Another coincidence? We both like em’ tall…I think this picture sums it up pretty nicely.
AND? We both LOVE hip hop, and although I haven’t dated any tattooed, smooth talking, grill gleaming males as of yet, I’m sure my future hubby will be Jay Z’s next prodigy. God, we’re practically twins! And finally, I think Kim might be onto something here, coz she seems to enjoy a bit of chocolate. And to quote White Chicks, who doesn’t love a beautiful chocolate man!
B) The Ugly Cry. For those that aren’t familiar (and by familiar, I mean hooked) with the billion dollar empire built on a pile of lies and our own weird obsession with knowing everything about celebs that is Keeping Up With the Kardashians, you might not be aware of how ugly Kim looks when she cries. Exhibit A.
I actually am not secure enough in myself to show you a pic of what I look like when I cry, but just picture what you see here, but with frizzy, wild red hair, red eyes, big ugly red blotches…well really, just think all red errthang.
C) Ghetto Booty. Probably our biggest similarity, literally, are our sizeable behinds. While I shamefully admit that I am nowhere near as bootylicious as Kimmy (is that even possible, or medically safe?), I’m pretty damn proud of what I do have.
Ghetto Booty can be defined as a term used when you see a girl with a firm, big, tight packed ass; cheers urban dictionary. Just in case that ain’t clear enough, here’s the example they provide: dawg, look at that gir’ls ghetto booty! Just on a side note, if anyone ever actually hears someone say something like this in real life, can you please get it on video?!
I have the lineage from the Robinsons of Hobart, Tasmania to thank for my well endowed behind. I’ve always felt like I drew the short straw when it came to the Clark family genetics. While my little bro stands over 6 foot, with a long and lean physique, the infuriating ability to eat as much shit as he wants and never put on weight, and that aussie beach babe blonde and tanned colouring, I seem to have inherited the red hair, freckles, short legs, and a gigantic ass. As I’ve gotten a bit older though, I’ve come to terms with my bootyliciousness, and now, I embrace it with full force! It seems that there are people out there who would pay big bucks to have a little extra junk in the trunk. These are just a few of the reasons why having a ghetto booty kicks ass..
- While this may seem like a pretty insignificant upside, one of the best things about having a huge ass is that it’s bloody comfy to sit on. And for someone who does a lot of sitting on their ass, I really appreciate how important this is. Watching Suits for seven hours straight really is so much better when there’s some cushioning to keep you comfy.
- I can squat like a mutha fucker! I am not too shy to say that I could do squats all day, erryday. And I hold the record at booty camp for sitting wall squat holds…over six minutes ya’ll.. wut?!
- Having a ghetto booty is defs the best asset to have when partaking in one of my all time favourite activities in life; tearing up the d floor. Especially when some incredible 2000’s RnB tunes come on; think Sir Mix-a-lot’s Baby Got Back! There is literally nothing in life that brings me more joy than shaking dat ass to Ms New Booty by the Ying Yang twins…except for Hot in Here by Nelly. Also, the extra firepower in these glutes gives me the strength and stamina to outlast all those skinny bitches way into the early hours of the morning.
- According to science, my ghetto booty is actually the reason why I have low cholesterol, am less susceptible to diabetes and heart disease, have higher levels of appetite controlling hormone Leptin, and an increased life expectancy. Win! Also, my children will be intellectually superior to those born to flat ass parents (I’m not making this up, just ask science!), so all of those bratty future friends of my kids can make as many ‘yo mamma so fat’ jokes as they want!
I know, I know. From the outside looking in, it seems that me and my bootylicious ass have the perfect bootylicious life. But what those out there with a little less in the back will never understand, is that having a ghetto booty is a daily struggle. As with everything in life, you’ve got to take the good with the bad, but sometimes I just wish I could be just a little more in proportion, ya feel me?
To start off with, apparently according to every rap song that ever existed, every man and his dog are supposed to go bananas over my phat ass, so I’m kind of confused as to why there isn’t an orderly line of hotties in da yard frothing over my milkshake (milkshake being my booty in this case). Another common misconception is that gals with a generous hinie look amazing in a pair of hip hugging denim jeans. The reference I’m referring to here is what Jason Derulo so desperately needs to know: How do you fit all of dat in dem jeans? Well JD, the answer is, I can’t fucking fit all of my ass in a pair of fucking jeans! After years and years of searching, I still can’t find a pair of flattering jeans that look casual, and make my ass look ahhhmazing. It’s probably one of my life’s greatest struggles, and I know I’m not the only one out felling the pain #preach. And if it wasn’t already bad enough, I also have to cater for having shorter than normal legs, meaning any half decent looking pair of jeans that I manage to find, I have to cuff them up like a hipster freak *sigh*.
Still on the issue of buying clothes that fit, let’s address how my curved spine and protruding butt make skirts that are a perfectly acceptable length at the front look like they should belong to a baby prostitute from the back coz they’re so short. And say I feel like buying a bikini? Ha, good luck mate. There is no way in hell that I would ever in any universe be able to find a bikini set that could accommodate my size 8 top, and my size fifty thousand bottom. Those cute shorts that I see people wearing to music festivals are also out, mainly coz they look like an ill fitting g string on my behind. And trust me, no one wants to see that!
In terms of everyday situations, having a ghetto booty can make for some uncomfortable moments. For example, those times when there aren’t enough seats to go around, and your friend/old mate wants to share a chair with you? It’s just downright awkward. At work, we have a very small kitchen/behind the counter area, and with six to eight people on a shift at once, my butt is always in the way, so it seems to me like my co workers are constantly trying to cop a feel (not that it’s necessarily a bad thing, but it is when it’s your sixty year old boss, and it’s the seventeenth time it’s happened in one shift. Again, awkward.) I also recently bought a bike to ride to and from uni, and to work on, however, from the first moment I got up on that seat, I realized that this seat would never be able to understand my sizeable needs. Although it saves money, and is great for a spot of exercise, I’m not sure it’s worth the pain!
To conclude, living with a ghetto booty can be both a blessing and burden.
But what am I going to do about it? Maybe I could make like my twin Kim K and invest my spare change towards a $3000 a day personal booty tailer. Only problem is, that’s more than I make in a month, so I think I’ll take the more self empowered route, and just werk what I got!
And for a bit of a lol, apparently having a ‘ghetto booty’ is now a medical condition. When Tennessee woman Terry Ragland went to the doc complaining of lower back pain, the legend told her ‘I know what the problem is. Ghetto Booty’. Shocked, she replied ‘Excuse me, Ghetto what?’. So it seems she was a bit offended by this “sexist” remark, but all I have to say is.. shotgun using that excuse for the next time I can’t be assed getting out of bed for a 7am start. Sorry sir, my ghetto booty is playing up something cronic today. Probs will be out of action for the rest of the week.