I think I’m in love!

Crush. noun.

Hopeless infatuation with a person.

A cold and empty romance that will never actually happen.

A painful experience common to kids and young adults that involves being obsessed with someone.

 

Crush. verb.

To pulverize, to destroy with great force.

 

I would like to think of myself as an expert on the topic of crushes. In my short 21 years, I have had more crushes than vodka OJ’s..and that’s really saying something, as I may have a serious drinking problem. From the outside, it would seem that I don’t really have a type as such, that I can form unhealthy borderline stalker like attachments to men of any age, appearance and personality type. I like em tall, I like em short. As long as I can stare into them creepily, I don’t care about eye colour. Same goes for hair. As long as you’ve got some, you’re in (that said, I’d run my fingers over Chris Judd’s magnificent bald head any day). Really, my only non negotiables are: job, car, penis. Not necessarily in that order.

History shows that my crushes can be categorized into two distinct groups.

A)    Real life unattainable boys. Basically sums up my high school experience. Think older, cooler, most popular guy in school, complete with a bad ass element pencil case and shorts half way down his backside. I found them in all areas of the school, from the rugged, cocky captain of the footy team, to the sweet crooner in the choir room. Although they were all very different, they all knew how to wear their shirts untucked in that way that got my heart racing. Another thing they had in common; they all had no idea I existed.

B)    Celebrity fantasy boyfriends. Now these crushes were a bit more fun, because with these luscious leading men, I could really indulge in the fantasy of it all. I’m talking fully thought out and imagined back stories. Take Zac Efron – we met when he came to Adelaide to promote a movie and had breakfast at the café where I work. I cooked him a full breaky, our eyes locked over the counter, and he gave me a wink and his number on a napkin. He flew me over to LA on a private jet and treated me to a night of champagne and chocolate covered strawberries. It was magical. But of course, our busy schedules got in the way, and it didn’t work out. But we’re still very good friends. Unfortunately, the chances of me meeting Channing Tatum in the supermarket, or any (or every) member of One Direction while out with the gals is pretty slim.

Whether they’re unattainable in my real life, or in my dreams, there is one thing that all of these men have in common. They’re men! The term girl crush gets thrown around a lot these days, and I have to say that I haven’t quite jumped on that bandwagon yet. Don’t get the wrong idea! As much as I love my girlfriends, and adore marvelling at how strong, independent, intelligent, and beautiful they all are, I’ve never really been one to ‘girl crush’. But that says more about me and my issues than anything else. When I see a successful, beautiful woman, rather than admire her, and wonder where she gets her hair done, my first instinct is one of jealousy. Call it irrational, but I know I’m not the first gal to instantly hate on the baddest bitch in da club just coz.

As with most things in life, except of course when it comes to bros b4 hoes, there are some exceptions to the rule. One word. Beyonce. Another slightly less bootylicious but none the less exceptionally amazing exception to my anti girl crush rule is Emma Stone. And because it’s my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want, I will now proceed to tell ya’ll why Em can do no wrong!

 

  1. She’s a RANGA…well, sort of.

Even though technically Emma is a natural blonde, I’m calling it. Just like Aussies have been stealing from the Kiwis for years: Pavlova and Russel Crowe, I have decided that we auburn haired gals are claiming Emma as one of our own. Don’t fight me on this. Just let it slide. Us Rangas don’t have much to get excited about these days, what with our population dwindling and all.

 

  1. She’s a basic bitch just like you and I.

If you haven’t heard of the term ‘basic bitch’, then it probably means that you aren’t a basic bitch and don’t spend your entire life watching YouTube videos…and actually have interests other than the Jonas Brothers and Keeping Up with the Kardashians. However, now the rest of us can rejoice and own our basicness, coz if it’s good enough for my gal Emma then it’s sure as hell good enough for me! Also, she memorized all of the Spice Girl’s autographs and can replicate them on demand. There’s nothing basic about that. That takes pure skill.

 

  1. She looks incredible in everything. Legit, all the time.

I think a picture speaks a thousand words. In the case of this particular image of Em at the 2014 Met Gala, I’d like to quote the words of miss Foxy Cleopatra, coz damn she’s a whole lotta woman!

embedded_emma_stone-met-gala-2014-outfit

 

  1. She’s not just a pretty face.

I believe Emma Stone to be the whole package. Not only does this girl have beauty, killer pins, a husky voice that drives us wild, and an epic sense of humour, she’s also got some serious brains! Known for calling out sexism in the media and film industry, she uses her superwoman confidence to speak up and fight for what she believes in! She even corrected her Spiderman boyfie of 3 years Andrew Garfield when he accidently made a cringy comment about sewing not being a manly activity in front of some young impressionable school kids. Not cool.

 

  1. Speaking of Andrew Garfield…

Can they just stop being so cute? And by that, I mean, can you please never, ever, ever break up..ever!

 

  1. She’s successful and ambitious, and knows what she wants.

When it comes to her career, this girl means business! At the age of 15, Em managed to persuade her parents to let her move to LA to pursue acting through what must have been an extremely convincing and epic PowerPoint presentation titled ‘Project Hollywood’. Who does that? A bloody legend, that’s who! And wow did it pay off.

 

  1. She said this…

You’re only human. You live once and life is wonderful, so eat the red velvet cupcake.

You know what Emma Stone; I think I will have that cupcake!

 

  1. Finally…

She knows all the words to ‘All I Do is Win’ by DJ Kahled. I feel she may have been a glorious black woman in her previous life.

 

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